Graphic by Haley Morkert.
AIDAN GREGG | OPINION CO-EDITOR| email@example.com
With Valentine’s Day less than a week away, a dark cloud has descended on Butler’s campus for many. Although I don’t have concrete data on the number of happily cuffed students on Butler’s campus, if the Collegian editorial board is representative of the university’s population, it’s safe to assume that most of you are alone and miserable. Fortunately for some of you, the stars want me to let you know that true love is on the horizon. For others though, another Valentine’s Day will go by just as loveless as the last.
Aries — March 21 to April 19
It’s time for you to reframe your own loneliness. Instead of longing for affection, appreciate what you have: a nutrient deficiency from Butler dining, a thick stack of overdue homework and mountains of debt — thanks for the tuition increase, Butler.
Taurus — April 20 to May 20
Taurus, your chronically single streak is coming to an end soon. Just kidding! The stars wanted you to get your hopes up so they could see the look on your face when you heard the news. Haha, loser.
Gemini — May 21 to June 20
Did you know that geese mate for life? Well this week, you’ll wish you were a goose when your long-term partner breaks up with you to pursue the life of a traveling magician. Maybe you dodged a bullet with this one.
Cancer — June 21 to July 22
Your love life has been spectacular lately, Cancer. Fortunately, it’s going to get even better, when you decide to spice up your relationship by entering a seven-person polycule. Don’t let others’ criticism about your newfound lovers get you down. You do you — and six other people.
Leo — July 23 to Aug. 22
Leo, you’ll find that love isn’t the only thing in the air this week when your senses are assailed by the fetid fumes emanating from Atherton Union. Don’t worry though, they’re still probably less toxic than your last relationship.
Virgo — Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Your situationship is going to become even more ambiguous when your love interest mysteriously disappears. Are they just not interested anymore, or are they on a secret mission to save the planet? Only time will tell.
Libra — Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
A relationship crisis is on the horizon as you will soon discover that your significant other was a member of a now-defunct campus hate group. The stars want to tell you to get it together and leave them; it’s not worth it.
Scorpio — Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Scorpio, your friends are too scared to say this, so the stars will. The constant PDA needs to be put to a swift end. If they have to see you grinding on each other in your living room one more time, there are going to be problems. Please, stop the madness.
Sagittarius — Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Take a break from the dating apps this week and treat yourself to some self-love this Valentine’s Day. Eat some candy, take a bath and pop open a bottle of sparkling grape juice. You deserve it.
Capricorn — Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
It’s time to get over that break up, Capricorn. It’s been long enough, and frankly, we’re getting tired of the moping. Pick yourself up, and get back on the market. You’ve got this.
Aquarius — Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Something big is coming your way: another failed talking stage. Don’t let this get you down though. Someone out there will be worthy of your affection. For now, focus on learning to love yourself.
Pisces — Feb. 19 to March 20
This Valentine’s Day, you’re going to contemplate posting sad music and a six-slide long rant on why you’re not in a relationship on your Instagram story. For the sake of your digital footprint and the sanity of your followers, please refrain from posting.