Astrology with Aidan

Graphic by Haley Morkert


In ancient times, when the sun disappeared, people believed the gods were angry at humankind and had sent a warning of imminent destruction. Current events have recently proved this ancient wisdom to be true — the end is near! My colleagues on The Butler Collegian editorial board tell me that none of that is correct — and that it’s wrong to engage in fear-mongering — but astrology isn’t real, so who cares? 

Aries — March 21 to April 19 

Though it is your season, Aries, that doesn’t mean you’ve had an easy go of it lately. Fortunately, the eclipse will bring some much-needed changes to your love life. A beautiful, kind stranger will soon express an interest in you. The only caveat — they exclusively listen to Ed Sheeran’s music. If you can stomach that, this could be a fruitful romance for you. 

Taurus — April 20 to May 20 

Recent car thefts near campus may have you concerned about the safety of your vehicle. Luckily, you won’t have to worry about someone poaching your beloved car after a vengeful ex renders it worthless by keying it and slashing your tires. 

Gemini — May 21 to June 20 

The peace you have tried so hard to curate over the last few months will crash and burn at the hands of humankind’s greatest curse — first-year boys. As the temperature warms and they emerge from their confinement, juvenile delinquency is assured. Where they are, property damage, horny DMs and generally cringeworthy antics are sure to follow. The stars — all-powerful though they may be — don’t have any advice for this one; simply take this as a warning. 

Cancer — June 21 to July 22 

Desperation is rarely a good look, Cancer, but somehow you wear it well. This is the time to really lean into your more toxic, “pick-me” tendencies. Post a “dhmu” on your Snapchat story, loudly bemoan your singleness in public and share some anonymous YikYaks about yourself. What would be incredibly obnoxious in anyone else, people find charming in you. 

Leo — July 23 to Aug. 22 

Recent developments in your life may have you reconsidering your post-collegiate path. Since the CaPS office probably won’t be of much help, the stars wanted to provide some options you may not have thought of. You could sell all of your worldly possessions and become an offshore oil rigger, start a religious movement that emphasizes witchcraft and classic jazz or just get really into Legos. 

Virgo — Aug. 23 to Sept. 22 

When an FDA investigation reveals that pounding a Celsius every day has taken at least 10 years off of your life, you may be a bit dismayed. What you need is a change in perspective. Without downing three of those bad boys a day, you would never have the energy to enjoy the present. Live life for the moment. 

Libra — Sept. 23 to Oct. 22 

Just because the sky is the limit doesn’t mean you have to try to get up there. Heights are scary, and besides, it’s much more comfortable on the ground — you can’t have floor time all the way up there. 

Scorpio — Oct. 23 to Nov. 21 

In the cold light of day following the eclipse darty, you may have found yourself feeling a little queasy before class. By the time of the publication of this paper, you will realize that this queasiness was not due to a hangover but the stomach virus. Let this be a lesson to you: do not share your borg. 

Sagittarius — Nov. 22 to Dec. 21 

It’s time for you to pick up a new bad habit. Bite your nails, start spending large sums of money on Squishmallows or procrastinate your homework until finals week. If none of that sounds appealing, there are always good old-fashioned, lung-rotting, artery-clogging cigarettes. 

Capricorn — Dec. 22 to Jan. 19 

Your wildest dreams will come true in the coming weeks, Capricorn. Unfortunately, they won’t be the good ones. Upon your arrival to class this week, you will be horrified to realize that you forgot to put any clothes on before you left your dorm. The stars recommend that you look into transfer applications; there’s no recovery from this embarrassment. 

Aquarius — Jan. 20 to Feb. 18 

Recently, you’ve been feeling like you need some companionship. Lucky for you, the cat distribution system will soon provide you with a dozen new feline friends right at your doorstep. Only time will tell whether this will turn out to be more of a blessing or a curse. 

Pisces — Feb. 19 to March 20 

Financial success is on your horizon, Pisces. Despite all odds, the RBE project you worked so hard on will take off in a big way. Soon enough, everyone on campus will be wearing the $40 crewneck you designed in 10 minutes on Canva. Congratulations!


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