“At this point, I’m so sleep-deprived and delirious that I don’t know if the stars are speaking to me or if I’m just hallucinating. With that being said, this month’s horoscopes will be just as credible as always — which is to say, not at all.”
GBF: Gross, bigoted and false
“They’re sassy, loud, mildly annoying, constantly horny, aggressively twinkish and stone-cold gay; your GBF is here to slay.”
Astrology with Aidan: Valentine’s Day love predictions
“Although I don’t have concrete data on the number of happily cuffed students on Butler’s campus, if the Collegian editorial board is representative of the university’s population, it’s safe to assume that most of you are alone and miserable. Fortunately for some of you, the stars want me to let you know that true love is on the horizon.”
Wake up Butler — it’s time to sleigh
“Greeted by mud, slush and several dozen discarded, empty shooters, a handful of stubborn Butler students made the arduous journey to the Sellick Bowl for some impromptu sledding. Few college students have the foresight to bring sleds to campus for an occasion such as this, so often, improvisation is necessary.”
Astrology with Aidan: New year predictions
“This year, pretending that you know what you’re doing with absolutely no qualifications whatsoever is in. As such, since the heavens have continued to reject my invocations, I’m just gonna make something up.”
Hard holiday conversations
“Almost everyone will have someone at the dinner table — whether it be your weird cousin, your aggressively racist pee-paw or your fire and brimstone, Westboro-lite aunt Karen — who will not hesitate to say something out of pocket.”
Astrology with Aidan: Halloween horrorscopes
“As spooky season reaches its zenith, you may wonder what this Halloweekend has in store for you. As luck would have it, the stars have answers for you — probably.”
Burned out Bulldogs
“What is this awful feeling that seems to plague our campus? Good old-fashioned, all-American, soul-sucking burnout.”
Colonialism: Not everyone’s cup of tea
“Following her death, many have condemned the queen as a figurehead for numerous imperialist atrocities, and some have engaged in outright celebration.”
Eat less chicken
Delicious? Questionably. Inexpensive? Not really. Homophobic? Undoubtedly.