Graphic by Haley Morkert.
AIDAN GREGG | OPINION CO-EDITOR| firstname.lastname@example.org
It’s a new year, and fortunately for all of you, my beloved readers and fans, that means it’s time for new horoscopes. This year, pretending that you know what you’re doing with absolutely no qualifications whatsoever is in. As such, and since the heavens have continued to reject my invocations, I’m just gonna make something up. Let’s see what the new year has in store for you.
Aries — March 21 to April 19
This year, embrace your wild side by going on a spree of car robberies with your bestie. This is your year to secure the bag — by any means necessary.
Taurus — April 20 to May 20
Uh oh, Taurus. You seem to have drawn the ire of some members of Butler’s Greek life. Hold your ground when you discover a cease and desist order in your inbox. They’ll get over themselves soon enough.
Gemini — May 21 to June 20
Your course load this semester looks rather daunting right now. The stars want you to know that it’s okay if you need to pull back a bit, and that Cs get degrees.
Cancer — June 21 to July 22
The stars want to tell you that it’s time to let your Harry Potter obsession go. Seriously, it’s been 12 years, and both the books and the movies have aged like curdled milk. Please find something else to make your defining personality trait.
Leo — July 23 to Aug. 22
“New year, new me” will take on a new meaning for you when an angry witch transmogrifies you into a house cat. This will actually turn out to be a positive shift when you realize you no longer have to do homework.
Virgo — Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Your New Year’s resolution should involve the total destruction of your enemies. Think of anyone who has crossed you recently. Manifest their ruin and do it with a little giggle.
Libra — Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Your recent issues with your roommate will come to a head when you wake up to discover several new tattoos all over your body. How you slept through that is anyone’s guess, but the stars suggest you bring this issue to your RA’s attention during your next Dawg Discussion.
Scorpio — Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
This year, you’re going to have to fight off the nepo baby allegations when you discover that you are, in fact, the heir to a small European city-state. Don’t worry though — your newfound wealth will block out the cries of angry Twitter users.
Sagittarius — Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
You know what you did, Sagittarius. The stars know what you did, and naturally so do I. Know that consequences are coming, and trust that you will be dealt with.
Capricorn — Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
People are starting to lose interest, so it’s time for you to rebrand. Burn your old clothes, shave off your hair, start listening to death metal and speak in a vaguely German accent. The new you is sure to make things interesting.
Aquarius — Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Poor Aquarius, 2022 really was not your year. Unfortunately, 2023 is going to be even worse. The stars say “sorry,” but to be honest, they get a kick out of watching you suffer. Better luck next year!
Pisces — Feb. 19 to March 20
Pisces, your year will start out with a bang — literally — when your microwave tragically erupts in flames. Your entreaties to maintenance will tragically go unanswered so unfortunately, it seems you’ll be dining at Atherton Union for the foreseeable future.