A representation of the twelve zodiac signs arranged in a circle. Graphic from designbundles.net.
AIDAN GREGG | OPINION COLUMNIST | email@example.com
To be completely honest with you, I don’t know anything about astrology. I do, however, have an overinflated sense of self-confidence, a delusional belief in my own psychic abilities and far too much time on my hands. I have consulted the stars — by which I mean I attended a Planetarium show on Friday at the Holcomb Observatory—and I think I have a pretty good idea of what they have planned for this month. Here are your totally, 100% certifiably accurate horoscopes for October.
Aries – March 21 to April 19
You will take on new responsibilities this month as you find yourself at the head of a guerilla faction of very angry botanists.
Taurus – April 20 to May 20
Your weekend plans will be derailed when you are temporarily taken captive by a family of raccoons.
Gemini – May 21 to June 20
The spirit of a long-deceased relative will soon be in contact with you. She wants you to know that she’s been watching you and she’s very disappointed.
Cancer – June 21 to July 22
Your recent efforts will bear fruit when you are declared God-Emperor of a small island in the Western Pacific.
Leo – July 23 to Aug. 22
No matter what you try, you won’t be able to get the words of Sister Cindy out of your mind. You should probably just embrace it at this point.
Virgo – Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
You’re beginning to worry that the squirrels on campus have been watching you. The stars would like to let you know that they are, and you were right to be concerned.
Libra – Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
An old friend will reach out to you about “an exciting new business opportunity” that will “allow you to invest in your financial future” and “isn’t a pyramid scheme.”
Scorpio – Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
You will continue to wonder why James Corden keeps getting cast in movies. The stars are just as stumped as you are.
Sagittarius – Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
You will discover someone’s student ID on the sidewalk. Make sure you buy yourself Starbucks with their flex dollars before turning it in as a reward for being such a great person. You deserve it!
Capricorn – Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
You will have to wait exceptionally long to receive your chicken tenders and fries at Plum Market due to an incident involving several feral cats.
Aquarius – Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Your worst fears will be realized when your crush asks you how your day is going and you are incapable of providing a coherent answer.
Pisces – Feb. 19 to March 20
Your addiction to “berries and cream” TikToks will continue to further alienate you from your family. Call your mother. She misses you.