Graphic by Haley Morkert.
AIDAN GREGG | MANAGING EDITOR| agregg1@butler.edu
After a truly treacherous start to the new year, Valentine’s Day may provide an opportunity to celebrate love in a time that feels so hateful. Alternatively, for the uncuffed, the holiday is a cold reminder of your chronic singleness. Regardless of your relationship status, monitoring the stars can provide direction as you navigate your love life. But, it has been super cloudy at night, so this year, we’re all just going to have to wing it.
Aries — March 21 to April 19
A warm feeling in your chest may have you thinking that love is in the air. Unfortunately, that warmth is a prodromal symptom of a nasty respiratory infection. If you have to kiss someone, at least wear a mask.
Taurus — April 20 to May 20
While your love life may be less than spectacular lately, a recent passion for table tennis has filled the void in your life that would otherwise be filled by a loving partner. It’s like Challengers … kind of.
Gemini — May 21 to June 20
Your Valentine’s plans with your cute date will tragically fall apart when you realize that you both have negative balances in your checking accounts. Don’t let this get you down too much; get dressed up, light some candles and cook a nice meal together right at home. Doesn’t that sound romantic?
Cancer — June 21 to July 22
A new flame is in your future, Cancer. The new flame in question will unfortunately take the form of a literal flame when your cheap Apartment Village microwave combusts. If you’re lucky, maybe a cute firefighter will show up to rescue you from your mildly scorched kitchen.
Leo — July 23 to Aug. 22
You will discover that you have a secret admirer when you begin to receive mysterious love letters from an anonymous author. Unfortunately, all of these letters are in Sanskrit. By the time you learn the language, your admirer will have lost interest. Too bad!
Virgo — Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
After a dismal tenure on dating apps, it’s time to try something new. Lucky for you, Love Island is casting. Who knows, maybe you’ll meet the love of your life among 30 other people in tropical isolation. Probably not, though.
Libra — Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
After months of one-sided yearning, your campus crush will begin to show some interest. Tragically, they will soon make the regrettable decision to get a low-taper fade mullet, annihilating any trace of your previous attraction.
Scorpio — Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Your Butler relationship is off to a great start, and things are only looking up. In a few short years, you and your beloved will take the natural next step for any proud Butler alum: a wedding in Holcomb Gardens. With the majestic canal geese as your backdrop, this wedding is sure to be one for the books.
Sagittarius — Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
During this time of year, it can be hard to see all of your friends happily coupled, while you remain single. Don’t worry though, Sagittarius. Soon, their relationships will crumble, returning your beloved friends to you.
Capricorn — Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
In the wild, some goats often headbutt one another to establish dominance and win the favor of a lover. Capricorn, you will experience this firsthand when your romantic rival bashes their head into yours in a public display of aggression. Fortunately for you, everyone’s always said you have a thick skull.
Aquarius — Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Recently, you’ve felt a need for a creative outlet to express the feelings in your lovelorn heart. After a mediocre performance in your introductory music industry studies course, you will be inspired to start creating equally mediocre sad indie music. All three of your monthly Spotify listeners will surely enjoy those cheap Garage Band beats.
Pisces — Feb. 19 to March 20
A kind message and several hearts drawn on your Starbucks cup will leave you wondering if your barista is flirting. Are they trying to send messages through your Mocha Cookie Crumble Frappuccino or are they just bored? You’ll have to order more to find out.
