Astrology with Mae-Mae: Valentine’s Day horoscopes

This Valentine’s Day, delulu is the solulu. Graphic by Mae-Mae Han


My second favorite holiday of the year, Valentine’s Day, is fast approaching. I thought there was no better opportunity to temporarily take over for our regular astrologist Aidan to bestow upon you my sage advice. After all, who wouldn’t want to heed the guidance of someone whose love life is like a movie? — the movie in question being a mix of Taylor Swift’s “All Too Well” short film and “Finding Nemo”. 

Aquarius — Jan. 20 to Feb. 18 

Whatever you do, do NOT go to your partner’s company ball in a yellow satin dress, get wasted and sing Carly Simon’s 1972 hit “You’re So Vain” on stage. Frankly, you two just need to break up and stay broken up. 

Pisces — Feb. 19 to March 20 

After downloading Tinder, Bumble and Hinge, you’ll be frustrated when your endless swiping only leads to one singular match across all three apps: some guy named Slender Man. What sort of name is that — German, maybe? Is he stalking you via dating app? And his profile is so boring — he’s wearing the same exact suit in all six pics. At least he’s tall, I guess. 

Aries — March 21 to April 19 

Just as your zodiac animal suggests, you’ll head on down to a neat little place called Ram Ranch this Valentine’s Day. You’ll have a real good time and might even recognize a special someone from your Thursday morning class there. How romantic! 

Taurus — April 20 to May 20 

A mysterious stranger in a dirt-streaked trench coat will approach you after lunch in Midtown Provisions. They’ll offer to bring you to meet the person of your dreams. Don’t do it! Unfortunately, turns out the person of your dreams, while beautiful and gorgeous, also sells Herbalife. You don’t have very good taste when it comes to dating, TBH. 

Gemini — May 21 to June 20 

You’ll be at the grocery store when you run into your ex — the one who got away. As you reach for the same cereal and your hand gently grazes theirs, you’ll lock eyes, the pure electricity of long-abandoned passion will course through your veins, and time will stand still … because in your absence, they learned how to stop time. They’re trying to take over the world, and congrats, it’s up to you to stop them! Maybe in all that time you’re gonna spend together attempting to best each other, you’ll fall back in love. 

Cancer — June 21 to July 22 

You thought the invigorating tension crawling across your skin was a symptom of your feelings for your new boo, but it’s just a symptom of crabs. I’m sorry. 

Leo — July 23 to Aug. 22 

Your partner, situationship, delusionship, whoever — they’ll finally get tired of you constantly asking, “Would you still love me if I was a worm?” They’ll hire a high-level mage to actually turn you into a worm, and sadly for you, the answer will be no. 

Virgo — Aug. 23 to Sept. 22 

You are literally SO beautiful and smart and talented and funny, and people don’t want to date you because they’re so intimidated by how cool you are! There’s absolutely nothing wrong with you and your anxious-avoidant attachment style

Libra — Sept. 23 to Oct. 22 

Just like many on this newspaper’s staff, you will get your heart broken by a brother of Phi Delta Theta. Welcome to the club. We’ve got tissues and chocolate in the office. 

Scorpio — Oct. 23 to Nov. 21 

Trust me when I say that just because they’re older doesn’t mean they’re more mature. And just because they’re younger doesn’t mean they’re more respectful. Honestly, you’re just screwed all around. 

Sagittarius — Nov. 22 to Dec. 21 

You might as well hard launch your crush tonight because yeah, you’re going to be together forever! They’re so in love with you! So yes, go get that tattoo of their name, go buy that engagement ring, and go email them those 17 AI-generated images of what your hypothetical children would look like. Don’t let your reality keep you from finding your eternal happiness, pookie

Capricorn — Dec. 22 to Jan. 19 

Beware of guys in vintage Carhartt who “play guitar.” That’s all I have to say. 


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