Graphic by Abby Hoehn.
REECE BUTLER | OPINION EDITOR | email@example.com
LEAH OLLIE | MANAGING EDITOR | firstname.lastname@example.org
I know what you’re thinking. You thought that just because esteemed astrologist Aidan Gregg was out of the country, you would be saved from fate for the semester. Unfortunately for you, the stars do not rest, and neither does the editorial staff. So buckle up because we have zero experience and endless opinions.
Virgo — Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
As your season is in full swing, the universe would like you to know that your pettiness will not slide anymore. Don’t get me wrong — you’ve been through a lot. But blaming the wrong people will get you nowhere. Instead, try channeling that misguided rage into something more productive, like throwing darts at a wall or memorizing pi.
Libra — Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Did you know that Libra is the sign of the swan? Well trust me, you’ll be very aware of your connection to birds as you begin to find their poop everywhere you look. And is it just me, or do those random patterns mean something drastic? Keep a detailed photo album to find out.
Scorpio — Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Scorpio, this semester is your time to tap into that bottomless fount of self-confidence you possess. The next time you begin overthinking or doubting yourself, remember that you can do this — the Collegian told you so.
Sagittarius — Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Despite your best efforts to be a good student and establish a strong routine, a devastating love triangle will distract you from your studies. Be proactive and focus on your platonic relationships before you are swept away by lust.
Capricorn — Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Hey Capricorn, it’s time for a heart to heart. I know you enjoy feeling unique and — dare I say — quirky, but the puns are getting out of control. I implore you to take a deep breath, go for a walk and consider examining the root causes of why you feel so drawn to making everyone around you miserable.
Aquarius — Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Aquarius — take this as a word of warning. It will only go downhill from here! Riding the high of a successful summer, you may want to pump the brakes before you burn out. Take care, stay rested, and hydrate or diedrate.
Pisces — Feb. 19 to March 20
In this upcoming season, learn to both internalize and inflame conflict. The slightest infraction or pushback is merely an opportunity, so take it to heart and don your fighting hands to stay ready this semester.
Aries — March 21 to April 19
As the heatwave comes to an end, the leaves begin to fall and the summer season begets autumn, you will be struck with the worst case of frat flu this campus has ever seen. But forget the blurred vision, sore muscles and chronic nausea! I’m sure kissing them was worth it.
Taurus — April 20 to May 20
Up for a challenge? We have hidden a message for you somewhere in this issue of the Butler Collegian. If you read every article carefully, you’ll unlock a secret horoscope! Who said bull-headedness was a bad thing!
Gemini — May 21 to June 20
Gemini, your usual indecisiveness is currently being worsened by active recovery from a brain injury. Maybe you felt a little bonk or partied too hard after move-in, but take some extra time to care for your cranium in this upcoming season. We recommend a cold compress or scalp massager for maximum comfort.
Cancer — June 21 to July 22
We forecast this semester as a time of intense collaboration for you, Cancer. Whether that entails a conscious coupling or super close-knit group project cohort, we declare that you’ll find joy and fulfillment in community in the days to come.
Leo — July 23 to Aug. 22
Leo — don’t worry. Just because the Midwestern heat wave is subsiding doesn’t mean you won’t have a chance to show off your best fits from the summer. Keep a well-trained eye to Weather.com and serve us your favorite look.