Graphic by Haley Morkert.
AIDAN GREGG | OPINION CO-EDITOR| firstname.lastname@example.org
As spooky season reaches its zenith, you may wonder what this Halloweekend has in store for you. As luck would have it, the stars have answers for you — probably. I now graciously share their great wisdom with all of you. You can inform me of your gratitude through burnt offerings and cryptic chants or email.
Aries — March 21 to April 19
While leaving Jordan Hall after a late-night midterm study sesh, you will be dive-bombed by a bat roosting in the ceiling. Whether it’s a vampire or not is debatable, but nonetheless, you’re going to have to get rabies shots.
Taurus — April 20 to May 20
This Halloweekend, you’ll think that attending the Sigma Chi haunted house — featuring famously homophobic Chick-fil-A — will be a fun and spooky excursion to celebrate the season. Unfortunately, you will find that the scariest part of the event is not the contents of the haunted house, but the brothers of Sigma Chi themselves.
Gemini — May 21 to June 20
You will be startled in the middle of the night by a ruckus outside your door. The stars want to reassure you that it is not an angry poltergeist but rather your roommate returning after a long night of carousing.
Cancer — June 21 to July 22
It’s not the ghouls, ghosts and goblins that will scare you this weekend. It’s the 10-page paper you’ve been procrastinating due on Monday. The stars recommend several trips to Starbucks for the most caffeinated beverage you can find, and an appointment with the Writer’s Studio.
Leo — July 23 to Aug. 22
Tragically, the daily BeReal will go off while you’re yakking in the bathroom at a senior house Halloween party. For the sake of your friends, family and digital footprint, consider holding off on that post.
Virgo — Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
You will be a little upset when your friends don’t realize that you were possessed by a demon for the last week. Maybe you should use this time to reflect on how you treat other people.
Libra — Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Oh, Libra, you deserve a break. Unfortunately, the heavens have decided to give you one. An incident involving a faulty elevator sensor and altruistic intentions of holding the door will leave you with a broken radius. Be careful what you wish for.
Scorpio — Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Ghosting will gain a new meaning for you when you discover that the person you’ve been talking to for two months has actually been dead the whole time. While this might put a damper on your relationship, all hope is not lost. Through hard work and determination, you can overcome your differences in mortality.
Sagittarius — Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
You will be displeased to find that instead of receiving candy for Halloween, you have been given dozens and dozens of coupons for various kinds of cereal. At least you won’t have to worry about breakfast for the next few months.
Capricorn — Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
A fun horror movie watch party will take a turn for the worse when all the lights in your dorm go out. When they come back on, your best friend will have disappeared. Have they been taken to another dimension by an otherworldly entity, or are they just in the bathroom? Only time will tell.
Aquarius — Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Following the release of new music by your favorite main pop girl, you will feel on top of the world. However, when said main pop girl is embroiled in yet another Twitter controversy, you will discover the true horrors of being a stan. The stars have no mercy for the chronically online.
Pisces — Feb. 19 to March 20
Do you like dogs? Well, you better, because on Halloween night, your roommate will transform into a werewolf. Don’t worry though; as long as you give them some food and a tennis ball to play with, you’ll be alright. Go Dawgs, I guess.