If The Butler Collegian was a tabloid

The Irwin Goose lives it up in Las Vegas, leaves wife on read. Graphic by Mae-Mae Han. 

MAE-MAE HAN | CULTURE CO-EDITOR | mhan@butler.edu 

Disclaimer: This is satire. Everything stated here is outright false. Please do not come for us. Happy April Fool’s Day!

Greetings, I am Mae-Mae Han, and I am the culture co-editor for The Butler Collegian. Well, perhaps the soon-to-be-former culture co-editor. After I am done saying what I have to say, I fear the wolves will promptly come for me.

For far too long, over the course of 20 issues of the Collegian published in this academic year, this truthful news source has demonstrated over and over again its shameless bias for supremely serious, honest people. I have sat silently — nay, sat complacently — while my fellow editors have made Herculean efforts to suppress the Collegian’s true form as a tabloid: all in the name of “journalistic integrity,” “truthful storytelling,” “basic ethics” and “Mae-Mae, you can’t make things up and tell literal lies just because you think it would be funny.”

That shall go on for no longer because I refuse to continue hiding gossip from the people, the ever-deserving public. After all, I am a Scorpio rising.

This is the “truth” behind the glistening, fool’s gold facade of The Butler Collegian. This is the “truth” behind the two-faced devil.

These are the — infinitely more salacious — “headlines” the “Collegian” “refused” to “publish.”

Deadbeat dad: Irwin goose abandons wife, three kids on 3-day Las Vegas drug bender

Apartment Village Building B actually on fire, for real this time

Enemies to lovers: Butler Blue IV, Scooter and Daisy announce ethical non-monogamous throuple status

Beloved @ButlerUAffirmations Instagram account revealed to be President James Danko himself in complex marketing scheme

Atherton Marketplace awarded Three MICHELIN Stars

Butler Ranked No. 69 haha, nice in the Midwest by U.S. News & World Report

Efroymson Diversity Center demoted to new floor below Atherton Union basement

Senior theatre major has plenty of job prospects

White sorority girl attends Black Lives Matter protest, selflessly does not use event as Instagram photoshoot

“Party of free speech” accepts criticism and allows for discourse without deleting silly Instagram comments or blocking meme pages

The Butler Collegian announces full transition to MySpace

Annual Butler Ballet “Nutcracker” performance replaced by 17-hour-long improvised dedication to Butler Beyond donors

History, anthropology & classics department replaced by esports department

Butler University Improv Troupe democratically voted “sexiest, coolest” club on campus, no election violations found

Friend’s crush in business law class revealed to be maskfish and also a crypto bro

Lacy School of Business adds diversity with left-handed professor

Sister Cindy charters “Bulldogs for Choice” club

Now, dear readers, you know the whole truth — perhaps slightly embellished — of the Collegian’s heaven-blessed potential as a gossip rag.

If you do not hear from me ever again, assume I am being pursued by the powers that be. Do not look for me; I have changed my identity, and I am in hiding and cannot be found.

Take this as my deathbed confession. Go forth and use this knowledge wisely.

Sincerely,

The editor formerly known as Mae-Mae Han

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