Irvington’s first world problems


This past Thursday, President Danko officially cut the ribbon to signify the opening of Irvington House. The new dormitory is praised by the administration for being a step towards improving the living conditions on campus as well as the overall experience of the students, but it has stirred up some indignation among residents of other dorms.

Many people have compared this dormitory to a hotel, but people need to remember that Irvington House, just like any other dorm, has its fair share of issues. Granted, these issues may seem unimportant compared to most others, but people just don’t understand the trials that Irvington residents must endure while living in the nicest dorm on campus.

There is ONLY ONE microwave.

Imagine you’re working diligently on a paper — or newspaper article — and, because Atherton’s hours only accommodate my grandfather, you end up missing a meal. You want to go make yourself some microwave mac and cheese to reward yourself, so you saunter to the stairs and make your way to the second floor.

You swipe your ID, walk into the room — because our ID scanners actually work the first time, sorry ResCo —  and head toward the microwave. You reach your hand down to open it and are met with warmth.

Someone else is using it.

You’re now delayed in enjoying your well-deserved mac and cheese — god forbid you have to wait the extra two minutes. Once the microwave is available, you open it up and are met with a black mess and are slammed by an unappetizing mix of smells. This is unacceptable! I mean, sure, college students lived without microwaves for years before us, but it’s 2018. The least we could do is have more than one microwave.

The hallways are TOO COLD.

What many people don’t understand is that being too cold is just as bad, if not worse, than being too hot — admit it, Ross residents. The air conditioning in Irvington is just so powerful and efficient that Irvington residents must suffer through being stuck in their comfy sweatshirts for fear of turning into a human icicle. The vent releases such large blasts of air that one resident even chose to dry his shoes in front of it.

People in Ross may not have air conditioning, but at least they don’t have to worry about being stranded in an area worse than the Arctic while on their way to pick up their laundry. Our moms have done our laundry for us up until now, and it’s so much harder to follow the WikiHow article on folding shirts when we’re developing frostbite.  This is a real problem, folks.

The study rooms are TOO LARGE.

Us residents here at Irvington House are very diligent in our studies — the only things bigger than our brains are our dorm rooms — and we often go to the study rooms for the purpose of getting work done in silence. Although these spacious areas fit many students at once, the capacity itself leads to major issues with study groups as the sounds actually echo in the cavernous space.

Work simply cannot be done if the acoustics of a room are just too amazing to not practice your lip sync routine for Kappa Kickoff — which is Friday at 7 p.m.. Noise travels easily, and having one person even beginning to hum an a capella cover of “When I’m Gone” could ruin an entire study session.

These study rooms are so spacious that you feel almost like you should be socializing or playing a card game — because nothing says “I care about school” like a quick game of euchre.

The water pressure is TOO LOW.

Now, many Irvington residents will remember when the water pressure disappeared, which was frightening and led a few people to shower at the HRC, which certainly made for a lot of awkward walks back.

Some people may have also heard that the water pressure was the cause of the three fire alarms going off — though there is a faction of people who claim it was the Ghost of ResCo’s Revenge. However, these are non-issues compared to the true crime.

The water pressure feels essentially like showering under the stream of a watering can. You can’t properly clean yourself if the water doesn’t blast your skin off. It’s honestly terrible, and people aren’t paying enough attention to this pressing issue.

This may seem like a little nitpick — all of these issues may seem like nitpicks — but these are legitimate issues for the residents of Irvington. So what if these issues aren’t as important as fire alarms going off repeatedly or inhaling mold and gunk? It’s not like there are more important issues.

Oh wait.


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