These “treats” belong right in the trash. Graphic by Maddie Wood and Anna Gritzenbach.
MADDIE WOOD | OPINION EDITOR | mawood1@butler.edu
The time of year is upon us when it is socially acceptable to ignore the typical stranger danger rule and let kids go door to door asking for candy — Halloween.
While candy is great — sweet treats are never wrong — there are some kinds handed out every year that are simply disgraceful. If you are passing out candy this year and have any of these in your bowl near the door, maybe reevaluate your decisions and take another trip to the store to satisfy the trick-or-treaters this year.
Smarties
Smarties are one of the most well-known candies out there, but my own personal enemy. Why are we literally just packaging chalk and throwing it out there as candy? I will admit, as a child I would begrudgingly eat the few packs I got in my Halloween bucket, but I believe that was to satisfy my odd craving for rocks that I had when I was young and innocent. Now, as a grown adult with matured taste buds, I recognize that Smarties are just plain nasty. The attempt to make them multicolored and have different flavors has completely failed, since they all look and taste relatively the same. I think we can do better than Smarties — if kids like me really need to satisfy that odd craving for things we can’t eat, go for a pack of Nerds Gummy Clusters instead.
Dots
Though Dots appear unproblematic — simple flavors and fun colors — why the hell are they so sticky? If I choose to indulge in a small pack of Dots, the next thing I know I am fighting for my life to remove every single piece that has seemingly latched onto all available mouth real estate it can find. Even when I was young I remember complaining about how uncomfortable my teeth were because the Dots were just so sticky.
Senior strategic communication major Hallie Anderson considers herself a candy lover — even munching on some dark chocolate as I sat down to chat with her. Anderson shares the disdain for Dots and is not pleased with any part of the multi-colored gumdrops.
“[Dots] kind of taste like those multivitamin gummies, but the multivitamin gummies taste better,” Anderson said. “[And] they do stick, [and] when you brush your teeth they then stick to your toothbrush — just kind of heinous.”
While they are an easy go-to and we are all used to seeing that small yellow box in our stash, maybe switch to Lifesavers Gummies instead — at least they won’t stick to every surface.
Bubblegum
Not only is bubblegum so basic, but it doesn’t even satisfy the desired effect of blowing a bubble — seeing that yellow and blue wrapper and having that dreaded feeling you’ll be met with none other than Dubble Bubble. There are countless reasons Dubble Bubble blows, but perhaps the most diabolical one is that you practically break your jaw to get it to become the typical gum consistency. By the time you get there all the flavor has simply vanished.
When houses give out bubblegum, I feel like that’s their own way of saying, “We forgot to get candy and had to get something last minute so we aren’t shunned by our neighbors.” Well, congratulations, you aren’t shunned by your neighbors but you sure aren’t going to be invited to a neighborhood potluck since you have already proven you can’t be trusted with remembering to bring a good dish.
Almond Joy
I am prepared for the backlash I will receive on this one but I have to speak my truth about it. Almond Joy is a sad excuse for candy. I truly do not believe that people enjoy eating the disgusting mix of coconut, chocolate and the worst of them all — almond. I feel like Almond Joy was created to be enjoyed exclusively by anybody over the age of 40, as the one person in my life who I know loves the coconut and almond mix is my grandmother.
However, Anderson proved me wrong by expressing her change of heart when about a year ago she had an Almond Joy once again, and her perspective converted.
“I do distinctly remember the [instance] in which I started liking them,” Anderson said. “There was free candy in Irwin [Library] and all that was left was Almond Joys. I [thought] ‘You know what, I’ll give it a try,’ so I grabbed it and it was delicious.”
Though Anderson’s taste buds were swayed, mine will stand strong with hatred. Every single time I see an Almond Joy mixed in with a candy stash I feel a small shiver down my spine because I truly cannot fathom this being a candy staple. If Almond Joy is your favorite or a candy that you love, I fear you have lost touch with reality.
Pretzels
There have been far too many times when I was assessing my haul for the night and I caught a glimpse of those small packs of pretzels with the pumpkin on the front of the packaging. Every single time they catch my eye they fill me with rage. I love a good pretzel as a snack, but the one night a year when my parents let me go insane on some candy is not the night that I go out of my way to eat pretzels. Pretzels are a lovely snack for any other occasion, just not trick-or-treating.
Anything healthy
Halloween is one of the few holidays in which kids and adults alike indulge in as much candy as they please — why ruin it with healthy foods? If you are the type to give out things like raisins, clementines or — God forbid — an apple, I truly hope you get quite a fright on Halloween. There also is the concern of how sanitary foods like apples or oranges can be coming straight from another person’s hands.
“I don’t want [your healthy snacks] because I don’t know how sanitary your kitchen is,” Anderson said. “The FDA does not regulate your kitchen. Did you wash your fruit? Did you wash your veggies? No, and you know who is not going to do it [either], the seven-year-old you gave them to.”
I don’t care if you want to promote health to kids — you have every other day of the year to do that and they often will listen. Please, do not scar those children by giving them a lesson on a fun and carefree night where they are dressed up as their favorite video game character. If you have the urge to give out something healthy, take a moment of reflection and ask yourself what is so wrong with joy.
In the end, there will always be disagreements on what candy is the best and worst. Some may say it’s candy corn, others may say licorice — regardless of your opinions I think we can all agree that these are some of the most vile things to see in your pumpkin-shaped bucket.
This Halloween, choose to give trick-or-treaters an actual night to remember and provide them with a good sweet treat without scaring the hell out of them with an apple.
