The wingwoman

EPIPHANY JOHNICAN | OPINION COLUMNIST

Most people only know the bare minimum about me. Yes, my name is Epiphany. Yes, I am a first-year student. But what most people do not know about me is that I’m also a secret agent. I spend every day working with the same client.

Every day I use the names he gives me, and I evaluate the individuals. Each day I get a little closer to reaching his goal—which feels more like my goal, given that my heart is in my work, and I want this mission to be a success just as much as he does. But what is the mission, you may ask? It’s helping my client get the girl he so deeply desires.

Yes, I am a wingwoman. And women in my field are the catalysts of man’s next successful relationship.

Wingwomen are the liaison between the man and the woman he wants. The perfect wingwoman is that smart, attractive best friend. This type of woman has experience in relationships, can give good advice and is someone trustworthy.

This assignment that we help men with is something that male allies—sometimes referred to as “bros”—are not equipped for. Wingwomen are a better choice than wingmen because who better to give you advice on women than another woman?

Men just don’t get women. And it makes no sense for the blind to lead the blind. But Rule No. 1 is that women are smart.They can understand each other. Women can tell you what to do and what not to do, what to text and what not to text.

Here’s a big tip for males: have a wingwoman read over texts. Often, ladies read a guy’s text and are immediately turned off. A wingwoman will save him from his own stupidity.

But guess what we can also do? We will befriend that girl  he is interested in. We will quickly learn about her basic interests, find out if he is her type, and even talk about how great the guy is.

Then, we can introduce him—which certainly helps if he is afraid to approach his crush. Think of us as the Olivia Pope of relationships. We can analyze the situation, and make quick, effective decisions in the shortest amount of time.

Having an attractive wingwoman helps. Think about it. If you hang around an attractive girl, it is all eyes on you.

On the other end of the spectrum, a wingwoman can also step in if a guy is approached by someone they do not desire.

This does lead into one con with the wingwoman: People may mistake the two as a couple.

But refer to Rule No. 1: She will come up with a way out of this. In the meantime, it is to his advantage.

Having a pretty woman that people mistake as a girlfriend will set the standard. Girls will either back off feeling they do not physically compare to the wingwoman, or they will believe they meet his standard and pursue.

Of course, as the male’s friend, she is working pro bono. But we will make sure this benefits us, too. We have to be treated right as well. By doing this, other women will gain interest.

Girls take note of how men open doors for us, carry heavy things for us, and the respectable tone of voice they use to talk to us. Girls notice little things like this and remember them. And it makes men more attractive. It’s a win-win for both of us.

But as a wingwoman, the ultimate satisfaction comes when the client has successfully made contact with the desired female—ultimately, no longer in need of our services.

He will thank the wingwoman for her hard work and soar off. And she smiles, happy that he finally grew a pair—of his own wings.

 

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