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AUDREY DAVENPORT | OPINION COLUMNIST | firstname.lastname@example.org
During this crazy, wacky time in our lives, I have felt it necessary to document everything that’s going on in quarantine, just so that I can put it in a time capsule and Bill and Ted can find it on their next excellent adventure. Many of these entries are fabricated, but still ring true.
We got the news that Butler will be going on a two-week break until the coronavirus settles down. I’m kind of excited to live at home and spend time with my family, but I’m really missing Butler. Luckily this is only for two weeks, and then everything will be back to normal!
First day of class:
I had to use Zoom for the first time today. I kind of feel like an unpaid private investigator peeking into people’s lives. Hm, I see that you have your unflattering fourth grade picture in the back of your Zoom call. What’s that sound? It sounds like a team of sled dogs competing for the Iditarod? Helping professors with technology is basically an unpaid internship — can I put this on my resume?
After a particularly horrible Zoom session, I bought myself a house plant. Seems like a better way of coping than just dropping the class all together.
So, Butler’s classes are all pass or fail now, or — ahem — Satisfactory or Pass. I think we’re all just holding out until the end of finals so we can make a last-minute decision whether to make the switch or not.
Maybe I should try and boost my fitness game during quarantine? I was snacking today, like usual, and I looked down and what do you know! Ghirardelli dark chocolate sea salt caramel minis have exactly one gram of protein per four squares! If I eat the entire bag, I’ll be yoked. Although, trying to do home workouts is like trying to build a rocket out of mentos and coke — frustrating and it just doesn’t work.
I’ve been avoiding it for as long as possible, but I just couldn’t anymore. I started and finished “Tiger King,” concluding that Carole Baskin did not kill her husband. Don Lewis is living his best life in Costa Rica. I also marathoned “Cheer,” after which I tried to do the splits and nearly tore my legs off.
It’s sunny today! I feel like it’s been ages since I’ve seen the sun. It changes my mood in a radical way. On any other day, I’d just be sitting inside desperately trying to follow a bread starter recipe. But no more! Breakfast outside, lunch outside, dinner outside, Zoom outside, you name it! I’m a revived woman with a new zest for life!
Apparently, I had class today. I really thought it was Saturday so it’s not my fault. Instead, I spent my day blissfully watching “Pride and Prejudice” for the fourth time. Mr. Darcy needs to be more emotionally vulnerable, Lizzy Bennett needs to find her chill and I need to find my motivation to study for finals.
Day Still Unknown, Year 2067:
Post-corona-clypse, we’ve learned a lot. Toilet paper can become a hot commodity, baby chickens can be in high demand and we can indeed get bored of being bored. We’ve learned to live in the moment more than ever. People no longer take their days for granted and are pursuing their passions with new found enthusiasm. This is my wish for post-quarantine.