By Mitch Riportella
On behalf of the thriving bug community in Ross Hall, I would like to thank you all for making our dorms a truly disgusting place to live.
I understand a lot of effort must be involved in maintaining such an appalling level of filth, and I personally could not fathom a place better suited than Ross for insects and freshman alike to fester and rot in harmony like the vermin we are.
So as our creepy crawler friends continue to reproduce at alarming rates among the rancid fibers of our carpets and curtains, just know that I am truly grateful for all we have accomplished.
It really does warm my heart to see man and insect alike bonding in the cracks and crevices of our poorly maintained bathrooms, beneath the decaying pizza crusts and turned milk, and in the exit signs that we all pay for the damage of, so the bugs would have shelter at night.
Between the scent of burnt popcorn mixed in with the delicate aroma of spilled macaroni and cheese that’s been in the hall for almost a week, its hard to believe I am only paying $45,000 a year to attend school here.
I’ve also got to give props to some of the wannabe biologists and the nifty experiments they’ve been conducting around the building.
My personal favorite is the half eaten Chef Boyardee ravioli that has been left to rot in a corner since the second day of school. I’m fearful the processed dairy mixed with the fragrant smell of overused Febreeze has actually caused the raviolis to emit small amounts of radiation.
And it is all thanks to you Ross Hall, and in my opinion, specifically you boys on the first two floors.
Take pride in watching the world change for the better all around you, while be remain in filth, because you cannot behave like civilized human beings who clean up after themselves.
You can keep the crumbs on your filthy floor—for tonight—the bugs will be dining Italian.