Graphic by Haley Morkert.
AIDAN GREGG | OPINION CO-EDITOR | email@example.com
It’s March, and that means we’re at the point in the year where students, faculty and staff alike pray for an apocalypse — or at least a well-timed ice event to cancel class. At this point, I’m so sleep-deprived and delirious that I don’t know if the stars are speaking to me or if I’m just hallucinating. With that being said, this month’s horoscopes will be just as credible as always — which is to say, not at all.
Aries — March 21 to April 19
You’re in for a birthday surprise, Aries: it’s chronic lower back pain! Though you may only be in your 20s, it’s never too soon to appreciate the slow yet inevitable decay of your body. Take some ibuprofen and try not to think about it.
Taurus — April 20 to May 20
Your every day excursions to Butler’s Starbucks will lead to big things in the coming weeks. The big things in question: financial ruin and a crippling caffeine dependency. Consider laying off the Refreshers before it’s too late.
Gemini — May 21 to June 20
Gemini, you’re a hater at heart. The stars appreciate that about you and offer their encouragement. Steal candy from a baby, tell a friend their haircut looks horrible, and be rude to a Starbucks worker — especially if it’s Culture Co-Editor Owen Madrigal. You really are the worst of us, and it’s time to embrace that.
Cancer — June 21 to July 22
Cancer, it’s time to face reality; no one cares about your RBE project. We don’t need another questionably designed blue hoodie or an ugly bulldog graphic tee. The stars aren’t trying to be rude; they just want to encourage you to stop being basic and unoriginal. If you’re offended, they’re very sorry that you feel that way.
Leo — July 23 to Aug. 22
For you, Leo, March Madness will take on an interesting new dimension when you are struck with a bout of temporary insanity. Is it the spirit of basketball, demonic possession or something in the food at Atherton Union?
Virgo — Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Oh, sweet Virgo. The stars want you to know that you need to take better care of yourself. College is stressful, and you need to take some time to find your bliss. Get cozy, put on some soft music, and open up a new book; you deserve it.
Libra — Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
The stars are aware that you haven’t enjoyed your predictions for the last few months. They’ve decided to give you a break for now, but be careful what you wish for — next month’s horoscopes will be even worse than you could ever imagine.
Scorpio — Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
It’s time for an intervention. It was funny at first, but it’s time to stop barking at tour groups, Scorpio. Redirect that energy away from underpaid student employees and toward a more worthy cause.
Sagittarius — Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
As you make your way out of this weekend’s St. Patrick’s Day bender, now is a good time to reflect. Do you want to be the kind of person who has a steady income, a home and an education, or the kind of person who has urinated in every window well in the Butler-Tarkington neighborhood? It’s up to you to decide.
Capricorn — Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Your roommates want you to stop scratching mysterious ideograms into the walls of your dorm room. But who are they to tell you what to do? The stars say you should ignore them; you’re onto something.
Aquarius — Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
This advising season, you will be ever so delighted to find that every single class you wanted to take is full. The stars send their condolences, but it looks like you’re going to have to end up taking the dreaded World of Plants. Good luck!
Pisces — Feb. 19 to March 20
The stars have bad news for you, Pisces. Your favorite internet cat is not long for this world. Shirk all of your responsibilities and commitments this week to spend as much time rewatching their TikToks as possible. It’s all part of the natural mourning process.