See what’s in store for you this semester. Graphic courtesy of the Toronto Star.
AIDAN GREGG | OPINION CO-EDITOR| firstname.lastname@example.org
The new semester has begun, and I am sure many readers of this paper are wondering how the beginning of this semester will go. Since the last time I delivered revelations from the stars unto you, I have learned nothing about astrology. Zero, zilch, zip, nil, nada. I have, however, downloaded Co-Star recently and have been deeply affected by insights such as “You pay people back in tea made by steeping their hair clippings.” That is good stuff. Thus, I have decided that if a silly little app can predict the future, so can I. With that said, here are your super-duper, totally awesome semi-truthful horoscopes for the start of the fall 2022 semester.
Aries — March 21 to April 19
Unfortunately, you will find yourself the latest victim of a food poisoning incident from the Marketplace at Atherton. Drink some water and rest up. It builds character.
Taurus — April 20 to May 20
You will be deeply upset by the belief that your therapist is ghosting you. They’re not; they’ve just joined a small desert commune devoted to an almighty being from outer space. You should be less worried about your therapist and more concerned about the Lovecraftian horror that lurks beyond the stars.
Gemini — May 21 to June 20
Your duplicitous nature will become particularly problematic when you discover the existence of your evil clone. The stars say you should watch your back; there can only be one.
Cancer — June 21 to July 22
A mysterious individual will present you with a large package filled with a variety of fresh fruits and vegetables. Is this strange collection of produce an omen of things to come? Or did you just forget that you were having groceries delivered? Even the stars are not sure.
Leo — July 23 to Aug. 22
You may be concerned about the beginning of classes and making new friends. The stars are in a wholesome mood today and want you to know that you have nothing to worry about. You’ve got this.
Virgo — Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Your deep-seated belief that you are, in fact, a wizard will come true when you accidentally and irreversibly turn one of your professors into a frog. While this will be somewhat problematic for your academic career, at least you don’t have to write any more papers.
Libra — Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
The stars are sorry, but they are too busy right now to provide insights into your future. Please contact them in five to seven business centuries to reschedule your prediction. If you require a revelation sooner than that, please consult your local augur, haruspex or oracle.
Scorpio — Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Ironically, your horoscope will live up to its name when you find your apartment infested with at least 30 large scorpions. The stars would recommend learning to live with your new deadly roommates or vacating the apartment entirely. They have no plans of going anywhere any time soon.
Sagittarius — Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
The Jordan Hall stairs will prove particularly treacherous when a rainstorm strikes out of nowhere, and the ceiling inevitably leaks. The stars would recommend skipping class, though your professors may disagree.
Capricorn — Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
You will be rocketed into unwanted fame when one of your cringy musical.ly videos from 2015 goes viral. This will be a good opportunity to try to make the best of a bad situation.
Aquarius — Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Your favorite capybara-themed Instagram account will suddenly go silent for a long time. As devastating as this may be, fear not, for you will find a new strange-looking rodent to obsess over. Will it be the jerboa, the mara, the nutria or something else entirely? Only time will tell.
Pisces — Feb. 19 to March 20
During a chance encounter with a lion, several clowns and a bunch of balloons, you will find your true calling. The life of a circus ringmaster is the life for you.