A representation of the twelve signs of the zodiac. Courtesy of britannica.com
AIDAN GREGG | OPINION COLUMNIST | email@example.com
As we approach the end of the semester, you may be wondering what is in store for you before you are released from the clutches of Butler University. Since the last time I delivered messages from the universe to you, I have learned literally nothing about astrology. Nonetheless, I have spoken to the stars, and they spoke back to me — but I forgot to write down what they said, so here’s some stuff I came up with.
Aries – March 21 to April 19
Now is a good time to explore your passion for writing by creating an extensive Wattpad fanfiction of your favorite celebrity. Be sure to include an enemies-to-lovers plotline, a secret identity and of course, a wealth of gratuitous sex scenes.
Taurus – April 20 to May 20
Your ongoing theory that the ghost of Butler Blue I haunts the basement of Jordan Hall will be proven when you are possessed by her on a midnight excursion. Try not to bite anyone.
Gemini – May 21 to June 20
Your addiction to Taylor Swift’s music will become particularly problematic when, upon waking up, you find yourself unable to say anything other than the lyrics to “All Too Well (10 Minute Version) (Taylor’s Version) (From the Vault).”
Cancer – June 21 to July 22
You will be confronted with the realization that your childhood dog was not, in fact, sent to live on a farm upstate. The stars send their deepest condolences.
Leo – July 23 to Aug. 22
The stars are not looking kindly upon you right now, Leo. Do not eat the Grilled Whitefish at Atherton Union unless you want a parasite. Take the elevator instead of the stairs in Jordan Hall to ensure you don’t take a tumble. Most importantly, avoid Irwin Library at all costs, lest you become the victim of a goose attack.
Virgo – Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
The stars think that now is a good time for you to pick up a new book. And then put it down. And then pick it up again. And then decide that you’re far too busy to get into something new and put it on the shelf, never to be touched again.
Libra – Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
If you like snakes, you are going to have a great time for the next couple of months. If not, that may become problematic for you in the coming days. I’m sure you’ll get used to them after the first few weeks.
Scorpio – Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
You will find yourself the recipient of a tirade of hate from an online fringe-movement. Good luck with that.
Sagittarius – Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Your day will take a turn for the worse when you find your bones turn to delicious, delicious tapioca pudding.
Capricorn – Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Your childhood fear of quicksand will prove to be founded in the coming weeks. Watch out for those uneven sidewalks.
Aquarius – Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
You will find the most scrumptious apple that you have ever tasted in the Residential College marketplace. Enjoy it while it lasts, for all good things must come to an end.
Pisces – Feb. 19 to March 20
You will get a cryptic and incomprehensible email from your academic advisor regarding your plans for next year. Don’t bother trying to email them back — you will not get a response.