Who would say no to Thanksgiving with Sue Sylvester and Andrew Jackson? Graphic by Maddy Broderick.
Everyone’s Thanksgiving dinner is typically paired with the same guest list each year — kooky aunts, boisterous cousins and more. Conversations tend to run stale as families rehash the same standard talking points over and over, so The Butler Collegian is challenging readers to a thought exercise during awkward lulls. When quizzed for the hundredth time about one’s college major, think instead about what pop culture figure would bring some much-needed spice to the table.
CALEB DENORME | EDITOR-IN-CHIEF | cdenorme@butler.edu
Pre-rebrand Crew Cat
Not only is Crew Cat the greatest mascot of all time, but when looking at it, one can just tell it can destroy a Thanksgiving meal. In recent years, Crew Cat has lost a bit of its luster after witnessing the fabled scoreboard fire of 2013, but behind those vibrant green eyes is a personality that is infectious. No one ever knows what goes on in Crew Cat’s head — much like relatives at the dinner table — but one certainty is that wherever it goes, fun ensues. Take a break from the classic Thanksgiving dinner that includes political conversations and relatives asking about dating lives, and instead inject a bit of chaotic mascot fun into the proceedings. Just don’t mention the name Anthony Precourt.
MADDY BRODERICK | CULTURE EDITOR | mbroderick@butler.edu
Charlie Brown
Buttered toast, jelly beans and popcorn are just a few of the many delicious snacks good ol’ Charlie Brown would bring to the Thanksgiving table. It may not be the traditional turkey and stuffing spread, but his humble feast would spark more conversation than any homemade casserole. Between bites, Charlie would offer his trademark “good grief” as relatives bicker over politics and football scores. Plus, with Snoopy likely sneaking in to steal a drumstick or stage a last-minute performance, guests would be entertained — guaranteed. Invite Charlie Brown, and he will surely come prepared with his classic slapstick comedy, nostalgia and just enough awkwardness to keep things interesting.
REESE PARADOWSKI | OPINION EDITOR | rparadowski@butler.edu
Sue Sylvester
There is only one person in this world who can tell someone what they really are, and it is Sue Sylvester. The headstrong cheer coach of “Glee” tells it how it is, no matter how harsh. In Sylvester’s world, her opinion is the right opinion. This generation needs a reality check, and Sylvester is just the right person to shut down a bad opinion at the dinner table. In fact, as soon as she starts monologuing, it is recommended to go live on Instagram to preserve her inspirational and unforgettable words.
ABBY KIDWELL | ASSISTANT CULTURE EDITOR | arkidwell@butler.edu
Tobias Fünke
What gathering is complete without aspiring actor and never-nude Tobias Fünke from “Arrested Development”? He might show up painted blue and wearing jorts, but this bold fashion choice offers much more interesting conversation than summer internship applications. Just be sure to master control of one’s face in advance to avoid being caught off-guard when Fünke inevitably drops innuendos while passing the mashed potatoes.
ANA DOLLARD | ASSISTANT CULTURE EDITOR | adollard@butler.edu
Katy Perry and Justin Trudeau
Thanksgiving is not complete without a couple that has yet to meet the family. Katy Perry and Justin Trudeau may have just made their relationship public, but the pair would no doubt be a perfect Thanksgiving addition. Imagine chatting with Trudeau about the potential of affordable healthcare and singing along to “Last Friday Night” with Perry whilst munching on homemade stuffing. If political conversations begin to ruin the mood, one could also look forward to Katy Perry’s cherry pie, a recipe inspired by her song “Bon Appétit”. Simply sit back and relax as the media’s newest pop culture obsession provides all of the evening entertainment.
OLLIE FITZGERALD | ASSISTANT NEWS EDITOR | ofitzgerald@butler.edu
Nick White
Of sports media and journalism professor fame, Nick White can probably hang with the family at Thanksgiving. He consistently gives “fun uncle,” and there are many stories — for example, about regional Emmy’s or lemon juice — to go around. His general vibes — albeit, too many attempts to appeal to Gen Z meme culture — might be the much-needed contrast to the anti-vaxer uncle at the end of the table.
DOROTHY LAKSHMANAMURTHY | ASSISTANT SPORTS EDITOR | dlakshmanamurthy@butler.edu
Abby Lee Miller
It was practically a ritual growing up that every Tuesday night at 8 p.m. CST, the world stopped to watch the newest episode of Dance Moms. Abby Lee Miller’s voice was on repeat, yelling through the TV screen, “Save your tears for the pillow” and “Everyone’s replaceable.” So, just imagine the spice she would add to the Thanksgiving table. While everyone else is passing around the basket of bread, she would be passing around all the judgment with absolutely no filter. If the turkey came out burnt or bland, she would be the first to call it out. Then, at the end of the feast, she can close out the night by putting everyone’s name on a pyramid and rating their contributions to the dinner. Abby would bring all the drama and entertainment, turning this dinner into a reality TV show.
JIA SKRUDLAND | MARKETING MANAGER | jskrudland@butler.edu
Ted Lasso
If there is one person who can always be counted on to crack a joke during that one awkward, maybe blood-boiling, Thanksgiving dinner table conversation, it is comedy TV’s favorite coach, Ted Lasso. He will give thanks when it is due. When things are serious, though, like the most important Turkey Day food being forgotten about on the kitchen stove — stuffing — expect a whistle and animated facial expressions that display the lack of disappointment in the dish being absent from the center of the table. In the wise words of the former American football coach turned naive-but-transformed-optimist-and-cheerful-English-football-coach, be a goldfish — forget about the drama and think about Mariah defrosting (for real this time) or breaking out the dreidel and eight candles. Oh, and also expect his infamous “Biscuits with the Boss” to make a special appearance, satisfying any angst that may have occurred throughout the one-night-only evening.
SAMANTHA RITTENBERG | STAFF REPORTER | srittenberg@butler.edu
Mindy Kaling
Prepared with a fabulous outfit, enough jokes to last a lifetime and a plethora of things to talk about, Mindy Kaling would be the ultimate Thanksgiving guest. If lucky, she may even bring an authentic South Indian dish, such as masala dosa, like she made with Kamala Harris. Kaling could discuss tidbits about her time writing for “The Office” or producing fan-favorite Gen Z shows, such as “Never Have I Ever” and “The Sex Lives of College Girls”. Do not skimp when it comes time to plan, as Kaling herself is an iconic party host and never shies away from going all out for the occasion. No family member will want to start an argument when a pop culture star is sitting among them, mere inches away.
HARRISON PRYOR | STAFF REPORTER | hrpryor@butler.edu
Andrew Jackson
Out-of-pocket grandfathers and unusually bigoted uncles have nothing on the president who probably hated Native Americans the most. If said unusually bigoted uncle is upset that students are learning the true origin of Thanksgiving, imagine how Jackson, one of the most racist presidents, will feel about the un-whitewashing. Resurrect him, feed him some tofurkey and watch him crumble right back to dust when he learns Columbus Day is now colloquially called Indigenous Peoples’ Day.
SAMUEL DEMIS | STAFF REPORTER | sademis@butler.edu
John Cena
An ideal Thanksgiving guest would be someone entertaining enough to keep conversations moving throughout the night, but who knows when to rein things in for the more solemn and heartfelt traditions of the holiday. John Cena would surely have an endless list of stories to tell, from his nearly three-decade wrestling career to his work with DC Studios, but a mantra like his “be grateful for each sunrise, earn every sunset” philosophy is a perfect example of why giving thanks is so important. Cena would be the perfect balance of humor and sincerity, as long as Randy Orton or The Miz do not show up with steel chairs.
LAUREN OFFENBACKER | STAFF REPORTER | loffenbacker@butler.edu
Misty Copeland
As an esteemed guest, Misty Copeland would be the perfect choice due to the grace and resilience she represents. Copeland was the first Black woman to become a principal dancer with the American Ballet Theatre. She inspired countless women by breaking barriers in a world that did not include her. Copeland would bring warmth, humility and powerful stories of her journey, making Thanksgiving feel richer — not just with food, but with perspective. Having Copeland as a guest would be a reminder of how far passion and perseverance can take someone and how important it is to keep pushing toward one’s dreams.
