Photo courtesy of Wikimedia Commons
Madeleine Lucchetti | Opinion Columnist | firstname.lastname@example.org
Amidst social media’s pathetic data breaches, one algorithm is made perfectly clear: how college kids use social media. It’s too easy to categorize our identities on these platforms.
The Instagram Model
Any occasion turns into an endless photo shoot for the Model, who racks up hundreds of likes and annoys countless others. They assume everyone is enamored with the shameless self-obsession exhibited in each fake candid. Their accounts are sponsored by the tireless efforts of loyal friends, who are only there to make sure every Model’s mimosa toast becomes a Boomerang. They also make an appearance on every post, supporting friends by some variance of “omg yas girl!” and gag-inducing heart-eyes emojis. The most successful Models rise to illustrious careers in selling SugarBear hair vitamins or pyramid schemes.
The Twitter Politician
The Politician craves the pointless high of angry-tweeting politicians. Believing everything they read in 140-character blurbs, they consider themselves very clever and “informed.” They’re often total enigmas, sipping from plastic Starbucks straws while retweeting environmentalism accounts. Much of America’s chaotic, political rhetoric can be traced to the rants of such individuals. When will the Politician realize their tweets will never change anyone’s opinions? Sad!
The Facebook Oversharer
Less popular than the Models, the Oversharer follows the example of obnoxious extended relatives by putting obscure details of their personal lives on blast. Whether it’s the incompetent nail salon or the third-grader’s basketball game, they’ll expose it all. The Oversharer’s timeline is also littered by shares from clickbait websites and untrustworthy news channels, followed by misinformed, raging status updates. You’ll remain Facebook “friends” with them out of politeness, but do yourself a favor and unfollow before their vapid viruses infect your timeline.
The Creep hasn’t posted to any of their social media accounts since 2014’s vacation to Mexico, but don’t let their apparent absence from the scene fool you: the Creep sees all and silently judges. They’ll make their presence known on certain occasions; you’ll consistently get “like” notifications from them days after you posted a photo, and it never fails to make you uncomfy.
The Concert Snapchatter
Repeat offenders by definition. You know who this is. Too often their Snapchat stories are 200-second compilations of shaky videos taken from the nosebleeds of that Chance the Rapper concert. If you stopped speed-tapping your way through these clips on mute, you’d enjoy the offender’s drunken off-key sing-along, too. But be warned — in between each song are primate-like, bloodcurdling screeches along the lines of, “OMG LUKE BRYAN MARRY ME!”
Ticketmaster should consider confiscating iPhones to watch these “fans” shake.
Always less interesting in person than they are online, the Aesthetician thinks they’re hip and artsy because they pay for $6 lattes, watch the sunset and routinely get tiny, meaningless tattoos. The correlating captions are senselessly angsty. They worship Rupi Kaur’s single-stanza drivel “Milk and Honey” and believe her poems to be deeply profound. Often, they can be seen listening to electronically-produced Lana del Rey on vinyl and swearing there’s a qualitative sound difference.
Last you checked, the Wanderluster was unemployed, but is now globetrotting on a mysteriously liberal budget. Perfectly staged Instagram stories cover up both the shady circumstances and the fact that the Wanderluster cares little about the surrounding cultural norms. Please stop booty popping in front of mosques.
The Wanderluster has ruined the view with their awkward posing. You’ll cross your fingers that they get so far “off the grid”, they never find their way back on!
How refreshing would it be to see some unfiltered honesty through social media, instead of regurgitated, shallow snapshots? As much as everyone loves your tirade of bikini shots, there is more to life.