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ABIGAIL PLUFF | OPINION COLUMNIST | firstname.lastname@example.org
I’m no astrologist, I’ll admit. If I’ve learned anything from my 19 years of reading Cosmopolitan and Seventeen Magazine, however, it’s how to write a darn good horoscope. How could I live my truth without sharing this talent with all of you? In between studying and crying about exams, I’ve carefully crafted your finals week horoscopes so you can figure out what kind of neurotic stress ball you’ll be this week. Happy finals, happy holidays, and good freakin’ luck.
It’s Sagittarius season, and just in time for finals! Because of your holly jolly demeanor and your tendency to be blindly optimistic, when it comes to exams, you’re not worried. Not even a little bit. Although your life is smooth sailing right now, be careful not to rub it in your friends’ faces. They may end up hating you.
Estimated average final grade: A, you happy little jerk, you.
Your practical mindset will allow you to get everything done flawlessly and on time. Your disciplined ways may have you holed up in Irwin or the third floor of Gallahue for days at a time, but you don’t mind. That’s just part of it, right? Try not to forget your pessimistic side, which can be a source of good self-critique when you’re attempting to attain perfection status, but can also slam you with tons of self-doubt. On the other hand, if you don’t do as well as you hoped, stop holding a grudge against your professor. Chances are, it’s not their fault you memorized the entirety of the wrong bio textbook.
Estimated average final grade: A+, but please take the caffeine IV out, we’re a bit concerned.
You’re the one everyone goes to for edits due to your relentless — but always pleasantly worded — honesty. Give yourself a break from helping others; this week is about being selfish. As hard as it is to not have your besties’ backs in this grueling time, focus on yourself. That’s what the rest of us are doing.
Estimated average final grade: B, you’re a smartie that never fails, but stop helping others, just for this week at least.
Oh, sweetie. I love you, I really, do, and that is why I’m telling you this: you need to study. I know it’s hard — it’s much more fun to journal and fingerpaint. While it is tempting, your grades will not fare well. Another thing, please step back from the people around you. Their anxiety is giving you anxiety, and that’s giving me anxiety. I want to do this for you, but I can’t, so please try to study.
Estimated average final grade: F-, you airy, creative, beautiful soul. Study.
I’m gonna be really honest. You’re scary year-round, but during finals week, you are a force to be reckoned with. Your RBF is at an all time high, and people are swerving just to stay out of your way. You’re confident you’ll get an amazing grade, but also horribly grumpy. Maybe you need to try a tea break. Or yoga. Or something.
Estimated average final grade: A+, and not just because I’m scared of you.
People that love you call you steady, and people that hate you call you inflexible, but either way that tendency to keep to a constant will have you rolling out consistently good projects and papers all week long — as long as there’s a detailed rubric that tells you exactly what to do. You’re determined to rock it this finals week, and I believe in you, as long as unexpected twists don’t send you into a spiral.
Estimated average final grade: B+, accounting for the class that “gives you no guidelines!”
You’ve been planning for this week since you got the syllabus on the first day of class. You’ve turned your papers in early, your presentations have been practiced, your outfits planned out. For some reason, though, you’re still stressing yourself out to the max. Take a step back and remember your strengths: you can adapt to any circumstance, talk yourself out of anything, and your magnetic energy makes professors want to give you a good grade. Oh, and also, try to get more than two hours of sleep. You’re scaring your roommate.
Estimated average final grade: A, you’re killing it sis.
Bro, stop crying. Finals week is hard, and I know you’re overwhelmed. Crying is your way of coping, and that’s understandable, but doing it everywhere (your car, class, your dorm, Starbucks) is making everyone else uncomfortable. Just cry in the shower, I promise it’ll have the same effect! Plus, you’ll at least seem a bit less mentally unwell to your fellow dawgs.
Estimated average final grade: C, you spent more time stress-crying than doing actual work.
Your ability to be both creative and whip-smart will take you far this week. But be careful not to patronize the people around you who are struggling more than you are. It’s kind of a d*** move. Not everyone can be as good at life as you, but it doesn’t mean they aren’t trying. Don’t forget to be the loving, generous person you are just because you’re subconsciously anxious about this week’s duties.
Estimated average final grade: A, life’s on your side, man.