ANDRES SALERNO | OPINION COLUMNIST | firstname.lastname@example.org
Around campus, there’s something in the air. It’s job hunting season, and with students emboldened by the dusting off of their resumes, you’re due to hear a lot of what we’ll call “tasteful embellishment.” Some classic embellishments include saying that a major that has three words in it is “actually like having three majors” and pretending that BUDM position titles that form sentences are actually very important.
I don’t believe that assistant junior co-council member of public relations and marketing: vice regent of parking lot construction is a real job, and I don’t think that you should either. To help guide you through all the, uh, embellishment swirling around, I’ve translated some of the more popular empty resume lies into more digestible words with their actual meaning attached.
Biology and pre-law major: I’ve built a very fragile house of cards pretending that Butler has a fleshed out pre-law program, for the love of God please do not follow up on this.
School of Business dean’s list: I play rookie difficulty on 2K and refuse your notions of “shame.”
Intermediate Spanish skills: Como se dice I am lying my ass off.
Proficient at Microsoft Excel: I took a stats class, but please don’t make me try to remember what I learned.
Strategic thinker: When the police arrived at the senior house party, I was able to properly utilize the second-story window and landed safely in the bushes.
Excellence in interpersonal communication: I have drunk-cried in every fraternity bathroom on campus and have the Instagram followers to prove it.
Advanced research skills: I once mainlined a peach Red Bull at 3 a.m. to finish a seven-page paper about Herodotus or whatever. I used like three sources — it was awful.
Social media skills: My partner sobs as I refuse to stop scrolling through Twitter, but they know better. I will never log off, and I will never be silenced.