Graphic by Haley Morkert.
AIDAN GREGG | MANAGING EDITOR | agregg1@butler.edu
Recently, you may have noticed an unfortunate gap in The Butler Collegian’s coverage of astrological happenings. The heavens have been on a well-deserved sabbatical and took a lovely vacation to beautiful, sunny Puerto Vallarta. But, the last few weeks have been hard, so they decided to cut their vacation short, just to provide you with some advice. If you care to show your appreciation for their generosity, they will accept any sort of burnt entrails. You’re welcome!
Aries — March 21 to April 19
The stars acknowledge your post-election frustration and want you to know that you are seen. Your anger, sadness and disappointment are all equally valid. But, they want to remind you to keep fighting. Whether your method of choice is protesting, writing to your legislators or slashing your misogynist uncle’s tires after Thanksgiving, the stars encourage you to resist.
Taurus — April 20 to May 20
Even as the weather cools down, somehow you still have no chill. You don’t need to take everything so seriously, and every minor inconvenience is not a world-shattering, apocalyptic event. Consider meditation, engaging in your hobbies or just taking your SSRIs.
Gemini — May 21 to June 20
You have been ill at ease lately, Gemini. The gnawing sense of dread in the pit of your stomach keeps you up at night and you feel enveloped in a suffocating miasma. The stars want you to know that it’s not just the undercooked chicken you ate, courtesy of Butler Dining. No, dark forces are at work against you. You are right to be afraid.
Cancer — June 21 to July 22
It’s time to realize that pleading for money on your Instagram story for your fraternity or sorority’s philanthropy is embarrassing. Sure, it’s for a good cause, but your audience of college students with $7 in their checking account and thousands of dollars of debt to their name are not going to win you any rewards. Pick yourself up and get serious.
Leo — July 23 to Aug. 22
Your fiery temper will cause you problems when your frustration at your professor’s failure to respond to your request for a letter of recommendation causes you to spontaneously combust. Make sure you stay near large bodies of water this month or stay strapped with a full Stanley at all times.
Virgo — Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Cuffing season isn’t over yet, Virgo; there is still hope! But, if you want success in your stale romantic life, you need to put yourself out there. Strike up a conversation with that cute person in your class, rekindle an old flame or get back on Tinder. Hell, you could put out a personal ad in The Butler Collegian. Cast your net wide!
Libra — Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Due to your unfortunate unawareness of Spotify Wrapped’s extension of its prior Oct. 31 data collection date, your embarrassing listening habits will soon be exposed to the public. You thought you were safe, and that you could stream The Tortured Poets Department on repeat without judgment for your basic listening habits. Oh how wrong you were, and now your shame will be on display for all of your peers.
Scorpio — Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
It’s your season, Scorpio, and do you know what that means? Seasonal depression! Fortunately for you, climate change has all but eliminated winter. What would have been four months of melancholia before we annihilated the environment should only last four weeks this year. Thank you, ExxonMobil!
Sagittarius — Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Your financial future has been uncertain lately, Sagittarius. Fortunately for you, the sugar daddy advertisement you placed on social media several weeks ago will soon bear fruit. A generous individual known as “Big Joe” will slide into your DMs this week, offering gifts. Good luck with that.
Capricorn — Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
As the holiday season swiftly approaches, you will receive the most wonderful gift of all: a persistent upper respiratory virus. Doctors will marvel at the aggression of your affliction and anti-virals will prove useless. On the bright side, your inability to vocally produce more than a strained croak means you will be excused from final presentations. Look on the bright side!
Aquarius — Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Your chronic tardiness and inability to attend to any commitments in a timely manner will serve you well this month. You will have a chance encounter with your campus crush on your way to your 8 a.m. class promptly at 8:15. This may be the beginning of an exciting new relationship — only time will tell.
Pisces — Feb. 19 to March 20
You may want to avoid Starbucks this month, Pisces. If you are not careful, you will find yourself accosted by evangelizers, seeking to spread the good word of the Lord to you during your previously peaceful study session. If you’re into that kind of thing, by all means, have a chat. Otherwise, steer clear.
